By Aura Walker, MA, Cht.
I counsel many singles on relationship preparedness. What I can tell you is both genders are terrified. After the hangover of too many meaningless flings wears off people often crave something deeper. However, this requires doing some self-work. This means getting really, really clear on what you want and need, and getting really comfortable asking for it regularly. People are scared though, and often not good at getting clear on what they want. Or, they get scared at the thought of being rejected or for asking “for too much.”
Have you screwed up often in relationships or felt dissed too many times? That is, grown close to someone and then felt disrespected? Well, you are not alone. It’s time you hone those relationship skills when it comes to creating an intimate connection with another person.
Now, intimacy is not sex. In fact, intimacy is everything else that leads up to sex. If done properly, sex is a fun, mutually consensual, physical union. An expression of being playful and loving with another age appropriate person. Sex can be intimate, in the fact that it requires proximity. However, real intimacy in a relationship requires a certain kind of courage. Where you are able to bare your soul to another without fear. Risking rejection every time. It is a cultivated art, and there are some basic ground rules to doing it authentically.
If you want to get clear on cultivating real intimacy in your life then get off dating apps and start doing some ground work on yourself first. The probability of meeting a more appropriate partner will happen more naturally when you have done some very basic ground work on yourself.